Rivkah and the Hammer

I actually thought I had lost this piece, as I was going through my stuff preparing for my move I stumbled upon the original.  This little short story got reported ad nauseum by the Fap Report Fa6s on Facebook.  

The Faps were a troll gang of Lame trolls and wanna be epic trolls, that eventually trolled themselves, with my help, off the internet.  I had known them since Myspace when I first started observing troll behavior.  I was at that time fleshing out my psychological models and I had started using them predictively, descriptively, and prescriptively.  

I had psychologically profiled the Faps and realized that their troll style was based on surrounding a female figure who they idolized and were attracted to and essentially white knighting for her.  They would set her up as their champion because they didn’t really like themselves, so the female champion basically gave them license to feel good about themselves and condone their shitty behavior.  

Their original champion, Lilu, the Australian Fail Troll had pretty much left the internet and wasn’t associating with the faps anymore, so they attempted to replace her with Rivkah who currently uses the handle Asenath Kemog.  At that time the Real God Tier Trolls including Brian Blazejack and Rain Stevens had embraced me as one of their own.  

This group of trolls is still on facebook and they have a growing band of young onlookers and wannabe trolls who are infatuated with the troll lifestyle.  I found that you could destroy the faps by demoralizing whichever alpha female they were white knighting for, if you creeped her out to the point she didn’t want to think of you or associate with you all of the faps suffered vicarious butthurt and they wouldn’t have the courage or desire to bother you.  

But I liked Rivkah, she wasn’t like the other females they championed and she didn’t belong with them.  I wrote this story as a warning to Rivkah and a prediction that she would eventually regret her association with the Faps because they would encourage her to do stuff she would later regret on account of she was smarter than them and actually had a moral center.  Most of the subliminal predictions in the story have come true.  Rivkah constantly asked me what it meant but I knew that in the future it would become obvious to her.   It wasn’t written to her at that time but to the person she would become…

Once upon a time there was a girl named Rivkah.  She lived in a place called Village of Idiots.  She didn’t really have any feelings about that because things were always as they had been, the same.

One day on the road outside the village she met a tall mysterious man wearing gray from head to toe.  he approached her and said, “I will give you something of extreme value with magickal properties, and i ask only that when I return you tell me everything you have learned about it.”

Rivkah agreed and eagerly accepted the gift.  Unwrapping it from the cloth she found a glowing, golden, hammer.  She was so excited she ran back to her village of idiots and showed them the hammer.  She told them it was awesome and magickal and could do anything.

She tried to use it for everything, she used it to stir the soup, and to clean the floor, and the windows, and to pet the dog and the cat and to rake the yard.  Rivkah liked the hammer a lot and wanted to use it for everything but she had begun to suspect that there was more to life then than the hammer.

Rivkah went to the Village of Idiots and she said,”Hey, I was wrong about hammers, they are not as useful as I thought, they are not good for cleaning the windows or raking the yard or petting the cat.  I was wrong.”

But by this time everyone in the village had a hammer and they ran willy and nilly, flailing their hammers about.  They became angry at Rivkah and they said, “Wot?!?! F U! STFU! Y SO JELLY???!!! WEEEEEEEE!!!”

Rivkah realized that she couldn’t live in the Village of idiots anymore and be happy.  There was a nearby town however called “The Assembly of Wisdom” and she moved there and she was quite content.  She was not famous there but she had peace of mind.

Meanwhile, back in the Village of Idiots, everybody spent so much time hammering all of the time that there was no longer a butcher or a tailor or a thatcher or a farmer or even a lumberjack and everybody was cold and hungry, “Should we go back to our old jobs?”  one person asked?  “Hell naw!  FU!” was the response, “We got these hammers because we wanted to be better than we were, and now we are and I’m never going back.”   “But how are we going to stay alive without food, or warmth.”  Somebody asked.

“Well there is another Village nearby and they have farmers and tailors and thatchers and butchers and lumberjacks, but I bet they don’t have as many awesome hammers as we do.  We should go take their stuff and force them to do stuff with our hammers.”

And so the Village of Idiots went to wage war on the Assembly of Wisdom.  The Assembly of Wisdom had their city on a mountain so they saw the Village of Idiots approaching.  “What shall we do,”  they said, “We have no champion, we are reasonable folk, we know nothing about hammering and smashing.  How are we to defend ourselves???”

At that Rivkah stepped forward, she knew that her former companions had nefarious intent and the good people of the Assembly of Wisdom were not deserving of whatever would be visited on them.  “Let me go,” she said, “I used to belong to the Village of Idiots, ye though I am loathe to admit it, I was once an Idiot.  I know them well, I will frustrate their hateful plans.”

The assembly of Wisdom consented and she was off.  She vowed to undo every evil that she had inspired when she belonged to the Village of Idiots and she would not rest ’til it was all undone…

She confronted the Idiots, her hammering technique was face meltingly awesome.  She smote, and she smatt, and she smited, with reckless abandon. “Wot!” “Wham!” “FU!” BIFF! “STFU!” POW!  “Y SO JELLY???” ZOT!  “WEEEEEEEEEE!!!” BAM! BAM! BAM!  With one fell swoop after another she smattered until they were all gone.

The Assembly of Wisdom bore her on their shoulders, they roared taht Rivkah was Rivetting, Ravishing, and Terrivik! And that was Rivkah’s happiest day, ever.

Then one day, as she was on the road, the Mysterous Man in Gray appeared again, “Tell me about the hammer, now, please.”  he asked, “That was our agreement.  You promised.”

Rivkah was surprised because she had forgotten about the Man in Gray.  “Well,” she began, “When I first got it I was so excited about it.  I thought it was useful all of the time, everywhere, for everything.  It made me like myself.  But eventually I realized I had been wrong, I didn’t know how to evaluate the hammer because I didn’t have the experience, hammers aren’t good for petting cats, or cleaning windows, or washing dishes, or putting babies to bed.  But just when I was beginning to think hammers might not be good for anything I realized that they are great for smashing Idiots.”

“In a way the experiences I had with the hammer taught me about myself, and in learning about myself I understood the hammer better, I understood the world better, I understood where I belonged in the world, I know who I am now, and i didn’t know that before, I didn’t know who I was before.”

“Thank you.” said the Man in Grey and turned to leave.

“WAIT!” shouted Rivkah, “Tell me, who are you?”

“You said you knew yourself.  All knowledge is knowledge of ONE SELF, Rivkah.  In knowing yourself you know me, and I am just a figment of your imagination.”

Having said that the Mysterious Man in grey disappeared.

THE END